Category Archives: Humor

Dining room dancing to Kat Parsons

This is a semi-regular guest post from my five month old grandson,  C, for whom I am now the full-time nanny. The initial is not an indication that C is average—he’s far from average in this humble grandpa’s opinion; how he manages those tiny little fingers at the keyboard is unbelievable. The “C” is just a way to grant him a little anonymity. When he runs for President in forty years, I don’t want his opponents to use these infant ramblings against him. :-)

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Despite what Granddad thinks, I am a mostly normal five-month-old; I’m pretty close to the fiftieth percentile in weight, height … almost everything. I do think I talk a lot more than most infants, but Granddad doesn’t know many of my words. So I’ve had to revert to caveman coughs and grunts to get my point across some of the time. I’ve taught him that, when I start in with the loud barking coughs, I’m getting bored or frustrated and on the verge of a scream or two. I don’t have to do that too often, because he does pay pretty close attention to me. He better, after all, it’s his job.

Mommy works upstairs, which is cool, since that means I get to see her a few times a day, mostly at feeding time. But sometimes she’s on an important call or has an online presentation to do. When that happens, Granddad has to find ways to distract me from the fact that the dining room is temporarily closed.

His latest trick  is dining room dancing. We’ve only done it a few times, but it is pretty fun. Granddad is a klutz when it comes to dancing, but he’s managed not to drop me yet. He spins and dips and slides, and I’m pretty sure he thinks he looks suave. I heard him saying something about some Fred guy named after a stair, but Granddad can’t hold a candle to the kitchen dancing that Grandmom and Mommy do … still, I love him for trying.

Yesterday, he pulled up his iTunes and downloaded the new Counting Crows album.  The Counting Crows are his favorite group (proof he’s an old guy) and I’m not sure what he was expecting, but it put me right to sleep. Then today he loaded a new EP album called Talk to Me from an Indie artist named Kat Parsons. It was awesome! Seriously, it was way better than all my favorite nursery songs … put together! I think Granddad was worried it wouldn’t be as good as her first album, No Will Power, which he thought was fantastic, but I could tell he loved this one, too.

We danced around and around, and I was rocking! When we finished dancing through all the songs, we sat in front of the computer and listened to them again. They’re all amazing, but I think Fall For It” was the best of all. I couldn’t help but jabber away at the screen telling Kat how fantabulous she is. Granddad, of course, didn’t understand, but I bet Kat did.

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Take that, Peyton Manning!

Palmer and Peyton Manning 10/29/2006

Peyton Manning is bringing his star power and charitable works to the Rocky Mountains. Hey, Peyton, how about a challenge run for Engineers Without Borders? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have to admit to being a bit upset by all the fuss being made over Peyton Manning’s move to Denver. When I moved west almost two years ago, there wasn’t near as much ruckus raised … and I came from Maryland, which is a heck of a lot farther than Indiana. It took us three trips to drive all our junk out here and there weren’t any TV cameras waiting for us at the end of any of them.

The thing I don’t get is why football players are put on such high pedestals. Yeah, they get a lot of money to play a game, but I don’t see why they are considered to be such great athletes. Oh, right … it’s because most of them could probably break my skinny 5′ 8″, 150 lb body in half.

But you know what? I’m 55 years old and I’m already nearing the average life expectancy of an NFL player (58). I’m also imitating Joe Namath (one of the guys who has beaten the life expectancy odds) while I GUARANTEE that I could run any one those great athletes currently on an NFL roster INTO THE GROUND! I’m not saying that I could’ve done it when I was in my prime. (Ha! As if I ever had a prime!) I’m saying that, even with arthritic ankles, Achilles tendonitis and two decades more under my belt than most of them, that I could do it today.

This is a short pause for a serious question or two. Why do we glorify a sport that pretty much assures that those who participate are cutting decades off their lives? Are they paid so much because we know what they’re doing is going to result in an earlier death?

Okay, back to it. On April 28, I’m doing the Run Josh Run event in Laramie, Wyoming—24 hours of running. My game plan is to make it 118 miles in that span of time, but I’ll be more than happy with an even 100. It is the off season for NFL players and I’m challenging them to join me for a few hundred laps around the track. I know they are all scared stiff of a 55-year-old leaving them broken and moaning on the infield, but it’s for charity!

Come on, Peyton! Since you are a newbie to the rarefied air of the Rocky Mountains, I’ll even give you a 20-mile handicap.

If you can’t make it, how about chipping in a few thou for a great cause? Engineers Without Borders helps poor communities around the world develop clean sources of drinking water, improve sanitation and many other critical engineering-related needs. These projects are vital for stabilizing the social and economic frameworks of the countries involved. The global economy benefits when third-world communities become self-sufficient. Put some of those NFL big bucks to good use.

Even if you aren’t an NFL star, you can make a big difference. Please click here to lend a hand!

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A Cupcake Day

This is a semi-regular guest post from the point of view of my grandson,  C, for whom I am now the full-time nanny. The initial is not an indication that C is average—he’s far from average in this humble grandpa’s opinion. It’s just a way to grant him a little anonymity. When he runs for President in forty years, I don’t want his opponents using these infant ramblings against him. 🙂

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Dream Cakes cupcakes ... Wow!

We (Mommy, Grandmom, Granddad and me) are in Santa Fe. Mommy had important work stuff to do and Granddad’s along since he’s my nanny and Mommy doesn’t think I’m old enough to watch out for myself in the hotel room all day. And she couldn’t leave me at home because she didn’t want to be away from me for five whole days, especially since I’m nursing still. I put up with formula on occasion, but there’s nothing like Momma’s milk … it’s the best! Five whole days without it and I think we’d both be getting cranky.

So, here we are in this historic old hotel in Santa Fe. You know what I found out? Historic means “itsy bitsy little rooms.” Geez, my nursery’s bigger than the room the four of us are packed into! But they do have a lot of neat old stuff, and pictures, and a big front porch with real tall windows so I can watch all the people sitting and talking or walking by on the sidewalk.

I like watching people a lot. Now that I’ve figured out how to tell Mommy and Daddy and Grandmom and Granddad from everybody else, it’s not scary at all. Anyway, Santa Fe has been an adventure, that’s for sure. Our first day here, it was sunny and warm and the next it was snowing! Granddad’s been walking (or running) me around in the jog stroller a lot and we’ve seen some cool things; the Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi, the Santa Fe plaza, a couple of parks, an art gallery with colorful pictures and bronze statues and other stuff … and even a cool toy store where he bought me a goofy orange aardvark or anteater, or, I don’t know weird animal with a long nose.

My granddad has to be one of the craziest nanny’s in the world. All those awesome things we’ve seen and you know how many pictures he’s taken? One! And guess what it was … cupcakes! They were pretty and all, but come on … cupcakes? All that running must be making his brain tired or something.

I’ve been doing a good job keeping him in shape but I guess he didn’t think it’s enough. This morning he got up real early and went for a long run. He was gone over two hours! A little later he took me out for a walk. We were gone an hour and I could tell he was starting to drag, so I’ve been taking it pretty easy on him all day.

Guess what! I’m officially five months old! And what do I get for being such a sweet little baby on my five-month birthday? They bought the most scrumptious looking cupcakes in the world to celebrate and didn’t let me have a single bite!

Better watch your back tomorrow, Granddad!

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The Monitor Game

This is a semi-regular guest post from the point of view of my grandson,  C, for whom I am now the full-time nanny. The initial is not an indication that C is average—he’s far from average in this humble grandpa’s opinion. It’s just a way to grant him a little anonymity. When he runs for President in forty years, I don’t want his opponents using these infant ramblings against him. 🙂

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Just because I’m almost five months old doesn’t mean I have a lot of free time on my hands. There are four adults in the house and keeping them all wrapped around my little finger takes some effort! But there is a game I like to play with Granddad when I have a few moments to spare. It is called The Monitor Game.

Mommy bought a Safety First Crystal Clear baby monitor so that everyone can hear me when I wake up from my naps. Not that my lungs aren’t plenty strong when needed. Anyway, the monitor is what makes this game possible. The basic rules are: 1) It must be nap time. 2)  Granddad must be trying to write.

That’s all there is to it. He walks around with me on his shoulder, singing (OMG! I’ll have to post about his frog voice someday soon) until I fall asleep … or so he thinks. Once he puts me down in my crib and takes the receiver, I wait until he’s had enough time to grab a snack and head for his computer. Then I let out a few fussies and the fun begins. When he comes in to check on me, I pretend to be asleep. He goes back to his writing, I fuss, he comes back, I pretend to be asleep, he goes back … can’t you see what awesome fun that is? I get tired of the game after a bit, but I keep at it until I hear the magic words “Oh, you little rascal!” By then I’m ready to zonk out for … oh a good twenty minutes or so.

But I think I’m starting to get too old for this game! Lately I’ve been working on a new one. It is called The Half and Half Nap. Granddad seems uncertain about it right now; but, once I get it perfected, I’ll be sure to share it with the rest of you.

Now it’s time get Granddad up and hopping again. Catch ya later!

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The Morning Stretch #13 – Ticket to Paradise

Since my wife and I are going to win the $540 million dollar Mega-Millions lottery tonight, it is possible that this will be my last post for a while. After all, I’ll be spending  a lot of time talking to lawyers, accountants and long-lost relatives.

Therefore let the last stretch be an easy one … fantasize about what you would have done with the money if you’d won. (My stretch, on the other hand, will be realistic planning.)

This evening, my wife and I—after our winning numbers have been drawn—will probably scream our selves hoarse … and then cry ourselves dry. After that’s out of the way, we’ll talk about whether to take the $540 mil as a lump sum ( about $359 million before taxes ) or settle for almost $21 million a year for the next 26 years. It’s likely we’ll take the lump sum so we can find out what it’s like to burn through that much money in record time, like many past winners have done.

Once that’s done, we’ll work on the obligatory list of all the causes and charities we’ll want to fund. I’m fifty-five and forgetful already, so the Alzheimer’s Association will probably get a big chunk. 🙂

Then, until dawn the next morning—since there is no way I’m sleeping tonight—I’ll be planning the Ultimate Writers and Runners Retreat.

Where I'll be heading after I hit the lottery tonight.

First, I’ll search the internet for a small piece of land in the Rocky Mountain region, something in the 50,000 – 500,000 acre range. This one’s a bit small and it’s in Canada, but it gives you the general idea.

After I’ve found the right property, I’ll start planning the loops of running and biking trails that will run through the property. They’ll be from a few miles up to ultramarathon length … and all within the borders of my runner’s retreat. We’ll have a guest house big enough to fit thirty or forty of our closest running friends; we don’t actually have that many close friends, but I’m sure that will change. And I’m figuring on putting a few small cabins around the most picturesque locations where inspired writing will take place.

I’ll need a private air strip so I can fly in my grandkids (yes, mom and dad, you can come, too), as well as the runners and writers I’ll invite. On occasion, my wife and I might use the jet to visit all the most beautiful, remote places in the world and see how they compare to the paradise that sprang from our lottery winnings.

That’s all the planning I can do right now. Figuring how to spend my winnings is going to take so much time I better use the rest of the day to clear my schedule.

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Filed under Humor, Personal, The Morning Stretch

Teaching Granddad Nanny

Hello! My name is C and I’m five months old.  Last month Mommy and Daddy went back to work and I started spending my days with a nanny. Not just any nanny, but a HE nanny who is also my Granddad … Granddad Nanny. Teaching Granddad about this nanny business is hard work.

It's hard work taking care of Granddad!

He’s doing a pretty good job but he’s confused sometimes because he thinks the answer to anything is on the internet and boy-oh-boy is that wrong.

So, I thought I’d start doing these posts to help Granddad keep things straight. Besides, he thinks I’m funny when it’s really him that’s hilarious, so I wanted to set the record straight on that.

For example, lately I’ve started clocking myself in the head when I’m feeding. These aren’t little love taps, but full-bore, Mike Tyson knockout punches. Naturally, GN (Granddad Nanny) googled and came up with a bunch of stuff like it was a “manifestation of tantrum behavior” or that I was frustrated, or teething. For crying out loud! I’m five months old, besides I do it while I’m eating—nursing or taking a bottle, it doesn’t matter which— and eating is something I love to do almost as much as peeing on GN when he’s changing my diaper. Believe me, it isn’t a temper tantrum or frustration.

What I’m teaching GN is that, at my age, everything is about sensation; new experiences, new feelings are what I’m all about. Okay, I’ll admit it, a good punch in the cheek does take my mind off my gums, but that’s just a small part of it. The real reason I do almost everything is that everything is all so new! Not much bores me yet … oh, except those phony sneezes. They cracked me up a month ago—you looked so ridiculous!—but, seriously Granddad, you need to get a new shtick.

Anyway, giving myself a good whack on the noggin stimulates some different senses. Yeah, it hurts a little, especially now that I’m building some arm strength, but that’s all part of the learning process. Yes, I admit it. I don’t know it all … yet. That will take a few more years. In the meantime, I’m learning that if I hit myself smack-dab in the corner of my eye … IT … IS … PAINFUL! But, oh the rewards! The look on GN’s face was priceless! He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I had to do it again just to see that goofy, wide-eyed shock and hear that strangled guffaw. And he thinks I’m funny.

So, there it is … my first post. I wonder if Mommy will try to put this in my baby book. I’ve got lots of stories to tell on Granddad—the triple poop, the dorkiest dance in the world, the monitor game,  how he sucks on my thumb and tells himself it is only because it makes me laugh—and he keeps doing new silly stuff everyday! I don’t know how I’ll keep up.

Now it’s time get Granddad up and hopping again. Catch ya later!

Oh, the other reason I like to duke it out with myself? I’m learning to be tough … I heard preschool is brutal!

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