Jealousy sneaks in

Jealousy is not at all low, but it catches us humbled and bowed down, at first sight. – Colette

My mind is all a jumble. Amid the frenzy of the approaching release of “Harvest of the Heart”, I struggle with a confidence that sometimes falters. Like a stubborn leak in the roof which no amount of patching can fix,  doubt and insecurity are drip, drip, dripping in the background of my public confidence; eroding the euphoria that should grace the atmosphere around an author on the verge of publication.

The doubts don’t attach to my writing. As I grow closer to seeing them exposed to the public, the confidence I have in my abilities has grown. I look critically at my own work and compare it to that of many “best-selling” authors… and I firmly believe the comparison is favorable.

At the top of my iGoogle home page this morning was a single line of text; an advertisement for a novel. Supposedly some algorithm selected this particular ad based on my browsing and e-mails. (I’m not one of those too concerned about my privacy. I’m about to ask the world to buy my book, I want to be noticed.) I clicked the link and found a book that was released in August. It is self-published. The author is someone with a lot of money, an idea, a marketing plan and a modicum of talent. I read the sample of the book and was not impressed. It wasn’t bad, it just felt as if it was written by a person who took a class on how to put words on paper. This was not a man who has been driven his entire life by a muse that poked and prodded and jabbed until he became a writer.

And so jealousy reared its ugly head. This author has – for his book – things that I want for mine: a Type-A personality driving it to market; a classy, custom website with all the bells and whistles; advertisements across the internet that seek out responsive readers; and the financial backing that opens doors.

Jealousy only adds to my doubt about the chances “Harvest of the Heart” has to find its market; that dripping threatens to become a steady stream. A lot is riding on my book at least showing the potential for success. I’ve done the best I can in a short period to position it to start well. But much of my strategy relies on social media to help create early momentum. I don’t have the money for a publicist to create ads, send out effective press releases, to garner reviews for a self-published author, to whisper in the right people’s ears. The learning curve to do all this myself is steep. The time to do it is hard to find and my muse is angry that I haven’t been writing much while I try to get this book launched.

This morning, I was indeed “humbled and bowed down” by jealousy. But that first sight did not last. The hour I spent with my grandson in my arms restored my spirits. Within days, I will have the proof in my hand. I tell myself that the quality of the book and the marketing efforts I am making will result in success.

The frenzy continues and the fateful day is nigh. Breath, Michael! Breath!


Filed under Personal, Publishing and Marketing, Writing

5 responses to “Jealousy sneaks in

  1. You know, my Dad is a writer (and a former runner). A different sort of one.

    He has always found the self publishing route to be full of pitfalls, but the small presses to be quite rewarding.

    Do not be jealous…all will work out as it is supposed to!

    • Thanks! The jealousy tends to be limited and very targeted. 🙂 Self-publishing has changed a lot in just the last two years and continues to evolve at warp-speed. Small presses are great for poets and for certain niches, but they have pitfalls also. I was pretty far along the publishing road with a small press and was glad I was able to get out of it in the end. I’m happy with everything so far as an Indie author, but the marketing end of it is still a difficult task. BTW- We used to live not too far from Shippensburg, where your dad was a professor.

  2. i seriously think most every author has felt what you do right now at some point in their career 🙂 LIFE IS GOOD

  3. Rina

    Can’t even imagine being in your situation right now! Then again, I couldn’t have imagined a year ago being at the finish line of a marathon, but I was there. The challenges we set out to do and the struggles that go along with acheiving them. The what ifs, how, why, questions along the way. Beating ourselves for not doing this or that or having this or that.
    All the while life keeps hapening around us and we just need to take our focus off ourself to bring us back to earth and to what is really important.

  4. June Strambler

    You are focused on what is important – your family.
    You will be a successful author – jealousy will make you work that little bit harder.

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