Jealousy is not at all low, but it catches us humbled and bowed down, at first sight. – Colette
My mind is all a jumble. Amid the frenzy of the approaching release of “Harvest of the Heart”, I struggle with a confidence that sometimes falters. Like a stubborn leak in the roof which no amount of patching can fix, doubt and insecurity are drip, drip, dripping in the background of my public confidence; eroding the euphoria that should grace the atmosphere around an author on the verge of publication.
The doubts don’t attach to my writing. As I grow closer to seeing them exposed to the public, the confidence I have in my abilities has grown. I look critically at my own work and compare it to that of many “best-selling” authors… and I firmly believe the comparison is favorable.
At the top of my iGoogle home page this morning was a single line of text; an advertisement for a novel. Supposedly some algorithm selected this particular ad based on my browsing and e-mails. (I’m not one of those too concerned about my privacy. I’m about to ask the world to buy my book, I want to be noticed.) I clicked the link and found a book that was released in August. It is self-published. The author is someone with a lot of money, an idea, a marketing plan and a modicum of talent. I read the sample of the book and was not impressed. It wasn’t bad, it just felt as if it was written by a person who took a class on how to put words on paper. This was not a man who has been driven his entire life by a muse that poked and prodded and jabbed until he became a writer.
And so jealousy reared its ugly head. This author has – for his book – things that I want for mine: a Type-A personality driving it to market; a classy, custom website with all the bells and whistles; advertisements across the internet that seek out responsive readers; and the financial backing that opens doors.
Jealousy only adds to my doubt about the chances “Harvest of the Heart” has to find its market; that dripping threatens to become a steady stream. A lot is riding on my book at least showing the potential for success. I’ve done the best I can in a short period to position it to start well. But much of my strategy relies on social media to help create early momentum. I don’t have the money for a publicist to create ads, send out effective press releases, to garner reviews for a self-published author, to whisper in the right people’s ears. The learning curve to do all this myself is steep. The time to do it is hard to find and my muse is angry that I haven’t been writing much while I try to get this book launched.
This morning, I was indeed “humbled and bowed down” by jealousy. But that first sight did not last. The hour I spent with my grandson in my arms restored my spirits. Within days, I will have the proof in my hand. I tell myself that the quality of the book and the marketing efforts I am making will result in success.
The frenzy continues and the fateful day is nigh. Breath, Michael! Breath!